Advocating for your Child at School: 3 Questions to Ask and 3 Common Mistakes
First of all, take a deep breath - it’s going to be OK. Many children go through phases where their teachers express some concern over behavior. Of course knowing it’s common still doesn’t make it easy to walk into a parent meeting and learn your child has been biting! Here are some questions to ask to help you navigate the situation, as well as some common pitfalls I have seen while working as a behavior specialist in schools.
3 Questions to Ask Your Child’s Teacher
When did this start to become a concern?
Asking about when the behavior started to become a concern can help you use your expertise as a parent. Remember, you have a lens that the teacher doesn’t have, and you may have information that will be helpful in understanding why the behavior started happening when it did. This will also open a door for you to share important information about your child’s life outside of the school setting.
What have you tried so far to support my child?
This is an important question, because it will help you:
Understand the teachers views on behavior support and discipline to see if they align with yours.
Know what kind of supports or interventions have been tried, and give your opinion on why they might or might not have worked.
Open up a conversation about how the teacher can best support your child.
What will you be looking for in the next few weeks that will show you my child’s behavior is improving?
Identifying measures of success is so important and often overlooked. Try to get a sense of either how big of a concern the behavior is, how disruptive it is, or how often it is happening. Ideally, you are leaving this meeting with a clear plan of action, and a goal for improvement, as well as next steps.
3 Common Mistakes Teachers and Parents Make When Planning Behavior Support
Not communicating soon enough
This happens on both sides of the desk. Parents need to communicate things like medication changes, life shifts (moving houses, divorce, illness, or new siblings on the way for example), so that teachers can support your child if those issue show up for them at school. Teachers need to start communication early and often with parents before there is a problem. This kind of team work can help prevent behavior challenges, or make them easier to address when they arise.
Not having a communication plan
At the end of your meeting or phone call, in addition to the plan for behavior support, the teacher and parent should have a clear communication plan. Setting expectations for communication up front will set the stage for you to feel included in discussions. Having a weekly or bi-weekly email will also prevent you from dreading emails when they do come because they are always bad news emails. Regular communication will likely be a mix of challenges and successes, and regular progress updates keep everyone on the same page.
Understanding Limitations
Is your child’s teacher asking you to fill out a communication notebook every morning and you just can’t get to it? Are you asking for highly individualized support for your child’s behavior (in the absence of an IEP) and the teacher says no? Both of these are an example of an ill-fitting plan. It’s important as a parent to remember that your child’s teacher is looking after the wellbeing of many students, and your child’s teacher to remember that you have a dynamic and complex life as well! How to overcome this? One way is to use the ShineSpace method to identify the most critical needs, and use that as a jumping off point to prioritize interventions. Here are the four guiding questions of the ShineSpace method:
Is there something in the environment that could be changed to support behavior? For example, if my child is always hitting a peer, Rachit, at circle time, can we make sure they don’t sit next to each other?
Is there something in the routine that could be changed for my child? For example, a child who has trouble right after recess each day, might benefit from transitioning in early before his classmates, or a little bit after his classmates.
Is there a way the teacher or staff members are responding to my child that is contributing to this behavior? For example, a child who is very attention seeking is getting a lot of attention after they hit a peer?
Is there a missing skill that my child needs to build in order to improve their behavior? For example do they need to learn to ask for help, or ask for a turn with something?
I hope some of this helps you feel empowered to be an advocate for your child when you head into your next teacher conference. Remember, no one knows your child better than you do. While the teacher may be an expert in education, you are always the expert in parenting and caring for your child, and you have a valuable insight into what will and won’t work for them.
Remember, you are a good mom!
Claire