One Common Mistake Parents Make When it Comes to Teaching how to Share
Many small children have difficulty sharing with others. This can be especially challenging during playdates, and if you have multiple children, the issue of sharing toys can feel like a never ending battle.
Correcting the behavior without offering a solution is one of the most common pitfalls I see in teaching kids how to share through problem solving, and negotiation. By avoiding this, parents may see less fighting, hitting, grabbing, and pushing, and more conflict resolution and compassion! Even with very young children - my sister and I worked with my 2 1/2 year old nephew on this and saw improvement just over the weekend.
Correcting without Offering an Alternative Solution
This could look like: like telling your child they have to share, taking toys from them, focusing on the challenging behavior, telling them “no!” or “gentle!” or giving a time out to punish hitting or grabbing.
Why it doesn’t work: Your child is communicating something to you, or to their playmate, through their behavior, especially when they have limited verbal skills, but even when they are otherwise great verbal communicators! By pushing, shoving, grabbing, or screaming, they are really saying “back off!” “Be careful around my tower!” or “I want a turn with that cool thing!” If we punish challenging behavior, we aren’t getting at the root of what is going on. It won’t help them make a better choice in the future, because they still don’t have a better solution.
What to do instead: We need to help children come up with problem solving ideas that meet these needs, just as if they had said them in those words (“back off,” “be careful,” etc.). We have to think about why we are seeing the behavior. What need is it meeting for your child, and how can you help them get that need met ina safer, more productive way?
Examples of solutions that work for young children:
Help kids take turns with a favorite doll or truck by setting a timer to help them manage. You can also give them the option of “do you want me to set a timer? or do you feel like you’re almost done?”
If the children are using a set of materials like Legos, blocks or playdough, teach them how to play with materials like blocks together. A good prompt for this is “I can see that you have all of the blocks, and Andy doesn’t have any! Which blocks are for Andy?” If your child isn’t ready for this step, give each child half of the materials like playdough or Legos to use and encourage them to play near each other with the same materials. If this is still a challenge, use trays or tape off the areas for each child to play or build in to help them negotiate their space.
For older siblings trying to share toys or share space with younger siblings, you can teach them to offer an alternative to the younger sibling. A great way to make this easy, is to set up a “trading box” to keep some of the younger sibling’s toys in. That way the older sibling can quickly run to the box and grab something when the younger sibling interrupts his play. My nephew was learning to offer his 9 month old brother a different option when the little one crawled over and grabbed at his toys. This was a great replacement for screaming and pushing!
Conclusion
You may be thinking “but I want them to be able to share right now!” and they will! You might also be thinking “my child knows better than to hit!” and that might be true, but it is still the easiest and most efficient way they have right now to get their needs met. We need to see that behavior as communication, and give the a better alternative. Once kids feel like they have the tools to create boundaries around their space, and to protect their precious Lego, block, or play dough creations, you will most likely see more willingness to share, take turns, and negotiate. This means less reactivity when it comes to others in their space.
If you have more questions about this, or your child is having a particularly difficult time with sharing, let me know! At the end of the day, most kids want to share and enjoy playing with their friends. By giving them the tools to negotiate, resolve conflict, and tolerate turn taking, we are setting them up to be successful. By understanding how to use some of these strategies, you are also able to open your space to children who are on different parts of the “sharing and problem solving” spectrum. That’s what ShineSpace is all about - setting you up to be inclusive to all children, regardless of their abilities.
I’m including a freebie printable resource of this information below, with some bonus tips as well! This is a great resource for co-parents, babysitters, grandparents, or teachers who are struggling to help kids share. I hope it’s helpful for you!
Good luck!
Claire